You reach a point in your life where you know, without a doubt, that you will never be able to go back to being the person you were before that time. You’ve reached rock-bottom and you’ve scraped your knees as you fell. Your palms are bleeding from the futile resistance you managed to conjure. And this is the moment when you start to wonder where you screwed up so bad that you deserved even a moment of this...
As I was walking through town today, running the same errands that I run everyday and taking the same route that I do every morning, I couldn’t help but notice how different it all felt. Not the view or the road or the people smiling behind the counter at the post office, but the ache inside of my own chest. I noticed how your mindset could cloud even the brightest of days and how hurt could make you shiver even in the sun. I looked up and saw an old woman, laboriously climbing the three worn steps that led to a hairdressing salon that was there as long as I could remember. I watched her face as she struggled to lift the very feet that carried her over paths that I may never see over decades of life on a journey that only she will ever know. I watched her and I tried to imagine how many heartaches and heartbreaks she lived through. I wondered how many hardships she had survived. How many tears and cries and calls for help that fell into empty rooms did she spill?
I looked at her and she smiled when she saw me staring. She had made it to the top of the stairs and turned away to have her hair done. And that’s when it hit me. It doesn’t matter how many nights you had to turn your pillow around because it was too soaked to sleep on, it doesn’t matter how many songs you have to skip because the sad ones make you cry. It’s ok to fall and it’s ok to break and it’s ok to fall to pieces at the feet of the ones you love, because that is what life is. a Roller coaster of emotions and adventures, a journey where not every stop is a happy one. This is how you pay your dues for the nights that you slept safe and warm in the arms of someone who adored you, for the times that someone held you hand when you were scared and for the times your friends made you laugh enough to make your tummy hurt. It’s about balance, about going through the night so that you may find new appreciation for the dawn of a new day. You need the loneliness to teach you how to enjoy your own company, you need the tears to value the smiles and you need the ones that got away to appreciate the one that will one day come to stay.
It’s not punishment or karma, it’s just the natural order of things. You win some and you lose some, some days are dark and some nights light up your life. Wounds heal and time makes even the harshest of memories fade. keep your head up and weather the storms, for they will calm again. Enjoy the good times – they pass also.
It’s ok to fall to pieces, as long as you pick them up and rearrange them into a stronger, better person. You’ll make it through this – I promise.