Heartache has a way of making you fade and blur around the edges. There’s something about the black hole in your chest that swallows the sunshine wherever you may go.
You could walk on a bustling street or a busy supermarket and you see the faces and smiling people go by. You catch snippets of conversation and somewhere a woman laughs. A Man talks loudly into a cell phone and a boy bumps into you as he looks back over his shoulder. Physically you are here. The knock you just felt and the familiar faces that greeted you as they walked by remind you of that. They can see you. They just can’t see what you are feeling. And that’s what makes you invisible.
They say hello and hug you, the friends you join for drinks ask you how you are and you automatically reply that you are well. You chat about work and laugh about the things you did over the weekend. You fail to tell them about the Saturday that you cried yourself to sleep, about the nightmare that kept you awake all up until dawn. They order dinner and you politely decline because you’re not hungry, but you don’t mention that you haven’t been hungry for a week. They complement you on the weight you lost, but they don’t notice the shadows under your eyes or the hollowness of your cheeks. You say goodbye and you go home to your empty bed and you don’t bother getting undressed. You pull the covers over your head and pray for sleep to come swiftly and silently and hope that your demons may take the night off.
And then you wake up and it’s a new day and for the first few seconds after you wake, you forget that you are broken. You get up and as you hop to pull your tights on, the shattered pieces of your soul jingle in an eerie melody. You brush your teeth and skip breakfast. You grab an apple that will stay on your desk until you throw it away. You greet your colleagues and lie about how your evening was. And then you’re back on that bustling sidewalk or in that busy supermarket, and the people are still smiling and talking and laughing. And you are invisible, because you are hiding behind your own face. And you walk among them, but you are sheltered from them. A Shadow clings to you and the darkness in your heart dims the light where your footsteps fall.
But tonight, you will hurt for a second less than yesterday. And tomorrow, you will hurt two seconds less than today.
And one day soon, you will join your friends for drinks and you will mean it when you say that you are okay. You will order the crumbed chicken strips and enjoy every bite. You will smile when you tell them about the time you spent with your family over the weekend and they will complement you on the glow of your cheeks.
And then when you’re back on that bustling street or in that busy supermarket, the sun will follow you as you go, because the strongest survivors attract the most light.
And then when you’re back on that bustling street or in that busy supermarket, the sun will follow you as you go, because the strongest survives attracts the most light.